I was at a point earlier this year where I realized I couldn’t do it alone anymore. I wanted to feel God’s love and to feel peace. I was struggling with the choices my loved ones had made and realizing that I wasn’t supposed to fix them. I was trying to find my self-worth.
Karen Broadhead had taught my TEAM Mom Power group how to Power Journal and it really spoke to me. I loved how declaring what I was fighting for, and why I wasn’t quitting helped me get my thoughts into my prefrontal cortex. I felt great strength drawing closer to Heavenly Father as I shared with Him my feelings and let Him teach me!
One day I was reading Matthew 11:28-30: “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
I so badly wanted to give my burdens to the Lord, but I didn’t know how to, nor did I completely trust Him. In my mind, He let bad things happen.
The part about “take my yoke upon you” confused me. What does that really look like? In that moment, I saw the painting by Yongsung Kim called “A Pas de Deux” in my mind. In this painting, it shows Jesus Christ dancing with a ballerina and He’s smiling at her. It seemed like He was saying to me,“ It’s just like this… it’s the same thing. You can trust me to not drop you, to be gentle; my eyes are focused on you. Let me lead you and it will be beautiful!”
So many thoughts and feelings came to me. I thought about the church dances from my youth and the excitement of having a boy ask me to dance. When it did happen, I felt so special. Jesus WANTS to be my dance partner! We’re counting together, giving eye contact, even breathing in sync! He wants to be my partner when the cool lifts happen, as well when the moves happen that I don’t understand how to do or like very much. He ALWAYS wants to dance with me. He won’t reject me, say He’s too tired, tell me He can’t handle me, or freak out. I’m enough for Him! He thinks my ideas are special; He thinks I AM special.
Around this time, I was listening to the youth album Trust in the Lord, and I came across the song titled “Healer”. The lyrics were so powerful! I probably listened to it 30 times that night! I found the chorus especially moving:
He’s the healer,
From all pains, from all burdens and scars.
When you’re hurting,
Find His mercy,
And He will fix ev’ry piece of your heart.
The thought that dancing with Jesus could be the key to healing my heart invigorated me. That my gentle, Elder Brother loves me so much that He would patiently wait for me to take His hand and then we could dance! He knows my pains and CAN fix every piece of my heart!
One day I had multiple children who needed my attention all at once, and it was just me. I was very frustrated and went to my room, got under my heated blanket, and watched Star Trek episodes! I felt awful. I then realized that I had control over my situation, and I knew what would help me feel better. So I got up and wrote this statement:
“I am a daughter of God. He is the Father of my spirit. He and I were close in the pre-existence. I wanted to do whatever it would take to return to him. I am the mother of 8 children. Heavenly Father asked me to give life to every one of them. I did. He’s asked me to teach them truth. I am. God entrusted me and my husband with their spiritual welfare. I am awake and aware of this vital and special role. Satan wishes to lull me into a relaxed state of not caring, not striving to remember why I’m fighting. That may have worked in the past, or it may work in the future. But not this day. This day I fight! Jesus Christ, my Elder Brother, my dance partner and my Savior… I stand with Him, and He stands with me.”
Because of this experience, I created this video on YouTube called “Dance with Jesus”. It felt right to create this video. It felt cathartic and whole.
I know that Jesus Christ loves me. I love that He taught me in a way that I understand! I am learning to trust Him day by day. He is ok with my speed! I know that when we reach out to Him, He reaches back and grabs us. He is worthy of my trust. He is awesome and all things good. He is the reason I keep fighting. His grace and mercy are worth it.